The roaring waves crashed against the gray gigantic rock that shielded me from this deliberate attack. I attempted to eradicate all infuriating memories of the past that plagued my present. The crystal clear white sky had transformed into a dull gray drab, provoking the previously halcyon sea to unleash all its fury.
I sat with my back against the eroding rock, facing the opposite side of the ocean. I tried to avoid the storm that was brewing inside me, consuming me completely. The aggravated confused waves drew a connection with my baffling thought process.
A malicious thought meandered across my mind, giving rise to dangerously excessive anticipation and goose bumps. No one would know why. They couldn’t. It wasn’t the first time though. A few years ago, crystallized with the pain of puberty, I attempted to commit suicide.
I was a victim of a common disease, shadowing the heart of majority teenagers, peer pressure. Tenth grade had just started when I became subject to repeated bullying. The weight gain, the shabby look and the awkward social behavior repelled the other far more prettier and confident girls. I was never one of those who used to depend and foster themselves according to the worldly opinions. However, ‘friends’ which to me was a self-assuring institution made to help a person feel better about themselves, thus preventing them from becoming independent and mature enough to make their own decisions, was never a major problem . Then of course, everyone needs someone to have gossip and parties with.
I was always surrounded by wonderful and loving people until the final term of the awful ninth grade. Constant failures came my way, leaving debates due to poor performance, removed from the school play due to frequent absents and the disappointments in studies barely passing to tenth. My self-satisfaction had completely destroyed me. But I didn’t feel its disastrous effects until tenth grade. Depression lured me to gain weight, and the sudden disowning of my so-called group of friends had converted me into an under confident and insecure teenager.
The only solution that was viable or effective was to end this life. Anxiety acted like a barricade, preventing me to study or even live a normal life. It was all done in a rush, quick regret worthy decisions were made. I stood on the school roof, the bonfire taking place beneath me. The stars glistened and the soft breeze lifted my hair. Did I really want to do this? End everything because of a certain group of stubborn materialistic people who I was better than. Leave my family in agony because I couldn’t ‘fit in’ with the popular when my entire life lay beautifully ahead of me. These hopeful thoughts helped me take a step back and quietly go downstairs, watching the mighty flames break through the sky.
I fell out of my reverie when a young beggar slightly touched my feet to remove the bottle of coke that was placed a few inches away from me. The night had soothed the atmosphere suppressing my anguish and the smoothly flowing sea calmed me down. If I could believe in hope and regain strength when I was a teenager, I surely could do it now. I walked towards my car, without completing the original mission in my mind but a new positive one taking form.


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